Quotes of the day:

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? My neighbors put in a circle drive...now they can't get out. My high school colors were clear. (Steven Wright)

Everything is instant these days. Instant coffee, instant tea...so I bought some instant water. I don't know what to add. (Rita Rudner)

Why is it that creditors call you with these annoyingly obvious collectors? "Yes, this is Carlos from American Express...we need you to call us back regarding a very important banking matter." Like anyone voluntarily calls them back! They should have a cheerful shopper line, "Hi! It's Amy from Amex...see you bought some shoes...CALL ME!!" (Caroline Rhea)

Rules Lillian! Eddie broke the rules! We put the rules on the refrigerator and Eddie br-...what? Eddie hit Jimmy Walker in the mouth?! Oh, Eddie got hit in the mouth, look like Jimmy Walker. (Eddie Murphy)

Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P. shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T. 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become an M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P. (Adrian Cronauer)

Hey, that's a pretty girl down there, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees? Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Is it Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner. (Tommy Callahan)

No no no no no...this sucker's electrical, but I need a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 jigawatts of electricity I need...come on, let's get you a radiation suit! (Dr. Emmett Brown)

Ok Bran...Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house...to use the bathroom. But his SISTER did! (Chunk)

These are my, I-DONT-NEED-A-JOB, I-DONT-NEED-BARRY cause I got great boots, boots! (Rachel Green)

A construction manager peers down a 10 story deep hole in the ground and frantically yells to a hoard of workers..."STOP you idiots! The plans are upside down!"

The Big 4-0!

Unless the scale lies, it's finally happened! Damn, only 30 more to go...and yes we are talking about LB's, not YR's! When I reach the goal, I will show off before and after pics and we will have a party, complete with Broccoli (and a truck load of 2 Buck Chuck cab, we seem to have plenty)! Last week was my 34th birthday and I have only one year left to meet my goals before I slide down the back slope of my thirties into the next decade...BRING IT!

Operation Bootleg

Across 5 state lines, I braved the LONG late night drive from Phoenix back home to Arkansas. It was a small price to pay for a buying spree at Trader Joe's, thus the genesis of Operation Bootleg. I left my project around noon, stopped by TJ's to pick up the goods (six cases of cheap wine), then headed north toward Flagstaff. The anticipation of our annual Non-Birthday Party was all the incentive I needed to head off a sojourn midway-ish in Amarillo for the night at around 1am. Something told me I would never make it up before dawn (my original plan) if I stopped to rack, for I am anything but a morning person. So while filling up at a Love's Country Store near the Big Texan 96oz. steak, I chose to press on. Not the smartest of moves, but it really was not nearly as bad as I expected. At some point, I had planned to get so tired I would have no choice but to pull over and sleep for a few hours. That point never sharpened and before I knew it, I was entering the Turner Turnpike and flying by the Clam Shrine (a story for another post!). I rolled into the Tulsa airport parking lot to retrieve my trusty 4runner at around 6am, the sun was coming up and traffic was swelling to a pre-rush hour mass. I pulled out of the airport and giddily embarked on the final 2 hours of my 19 hour journey, even finding time to stop by Sam's in Bentonville to pick up fresh flowers for my homegirl.

Seeing as how it was the party weekend, and Operation Bootleg commenced for that purpose, I had no choice. Hey, we all have priorities, right?! Cheap wine and the forceful beckoning of a Non-Birthday Party are all it takes for me to be motivated to drive through the night. Besides, the scenery from AZ to AR is, well, less than exciting...had I driven during the daylight I would have put myself to sleep counting cows and racing BNSF freight trains before crossing the TX line! No worries, I was in control, and kept telling myself I was stopping at the next town if the need arose...but it never did. I passed out cold a few short minutes after pulling into the driveway...but had some sweet dreams! Well 10-4 good buddy, keep your eye on them smokies for me...we're loaded up and truckin!

Holiday Recap

Holy shcnikes! It has been a very long month. From our return from Florida, which was a blast, to our whirlwind trips to MN and back home for a few days to OK, we have barely had time to rest. I, of course, went right back to work flying out the day after New Year's to my new project in San Antonio, which I am quite certain is going to be a nightmare and consume far more of my professional time than I would normally desire. Whew...I need a nap. We have had fun though! Here is a summation in short bullet points for those fellow ADDers who don't like to read much:

• Disney was a blast, but the Magic Kingdom is in fact dry, the rumors are true.
• Sanibel Island is always a great refresher for the ocean heals me, yes Tim I did send the oceanic vibes of refreshing meditation your way.
• We finally took a huge family picture on the beach at Sanibel all dressed in white shirts and jeans, looking like a mob of Mormon missionaries dissing our black pants and ties.
• Zac and Ann got engaged shortly after our departure from Florida!
• American Airlines has never been happier than the day the Carpenter's deplaned back in good ole Arkansas. The kids were excellent of course as they are cherubic little angels 100% of the time.
• We battled 9.5 hours in the loser cruzer driving to MN, the final third of which was in dense fog...that was a treat. Cindy had the kids "Santa" gifts sent to Walmart in Rochester and I spent two nights assembling bikes until 2am. FYI, they do assemble for free, but you have to buy them from the store, not have them shipped there for future reference.
• I reacquainted myself with my obsessive compulsive need to work tirelessly on a 2000 piece puzzle until the wee hours.
• It snowed on us for 2/3 of the way home, another treat! I have no doubt A and J were probably ready for us to take our Tour of Chaos on down the road.
• We spent an early New Year's Eve with friends in OKC during a short 36 hour visit and managed to see virtually every family member thanks to very tight scheduling and very little whining.
• Alas the new year arrived and we are finally home!

Although not the most enthralling prose, at least you now have some semblance of our busy holiday travel schedule...and as I always say at the end of every holiday season, next year if you want to see us, you'll be coming to OUR house. The Tour of Chaos is officially retired and we are praying there is no talk of a reunion tour. Happy New Year and peace out hombres.

My Limo and Paparazzi Life (almost)

With a mad dash pre-holiday trip to Phoenix this week, I found myself unexpectedly indulging in first class accommodations. First stop, I slid into the driver's seat of my rented Infiniti and barreled down the road as if it were all mine. I should have known at that point it was a sign of things to come. After a spin through the site and a few short meetings, I made my way to the new Renaissance Hotel which opened a few months ago just a mile from my project (so long nasty Courtyard!). Since my old summer stand-by the JW Marriott Camelback Inn is way too pricey these days, I have managed to find a suitable substitute.

As I checked in, my Marriott Rewards Gold Elite status finally paid off! I was escorted to the concierge floor to my complimentary upgraded one bedroom suite. Uh, this dog was bad-A! It had floor to ceiling/wall to wall windows 10' high on the 10th floor. Who's your daddy? It was massive and covered in modern decor. I wondered if I was the first to inhabit? Doubtful, but in my head they were saving it for me. Anyway, after basking in the glow of the dual plasma screens and admiring the gi-normous bed awaiting my slumber, I had to check out the 10th floor lounge. I was greeted by a properly suited host offering snacks, newspapers, drinks, and an outdoor deck overlooking the spa courtyard. It was better than the Admiral's Club! Amazed and overcome with a sense of celebrity jackassery, I felt a cocktail was in order.

I made my way downstairs to the main lounge and perched with my trusty laptop up to the bar. The Vikings game was playing and I typed feverishly away on my little Dell sipping my winter drink of choice, Maker's and Diet Coke. I couldn't help it. The power, it was overwhelming, I felt like I needed to seek out Paris to hang with. At one point, after scarfing down a whole wheat chicken quesadilla with some kind of fancy cheese, I reached past cocktail number two and grabbed a glass of water. I swallowed a large gulp to put out the jalapeno fire in my mouth. Then, the celebrity attitude managed to manifest itself outside of my head.

"Could you please replace this with a Pellegrino?" I asked politely but quickly returning to my keyboard unaware of what I had just uttered. Wait a minute...did I just say what I think I said? What the hell have I become? Who is this guy? I blame the car and the suite. The power of celebrity is just too much for me to handle...so tonight I ground myself in proper fashion once again by herding onto Southwest to fly back to Arkansas. Ah, back to my humble life! So becomes the simple moral of the week: elite status need not affect your head...I should know, I unconsciously ordered a sparkling water when I despise it! Cheers my friends, I must go, the camera flashes are just too much to bare!

Look Out Magic Kingdom- Here Come the Griswold's...err Carpenter's

I have always said I would rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye than go to Disney World with preschoolers…well now is my chance to compare the pain! We embark this week on a 10 day vacation to Florida for Thanksgiving that will include a short 2 day stint at the Polynesian and Magic Kingdom. This ranks right up there with my philosophy of owning a minivan…it is the day you admit life has beaten you to a bloody pulp. There is some sweet irony to this philosophy however, I unfortunately own a minivan and I have secretly wanted to go to Disney for as long as I can remember. It will be fitting for me to enjoy the MK more than anyone else; after all, I can quote every line to The Lion King. We won’t mention my secret collection of Disney show tunes hidden amongst the old dusty CD’s! And don’t even get me started on Cars and Aladdin! But I’m sure it will suck…not really excited about it at all. (Wink)

Home Theatre: Redneck Style

Truck, who is my neighbor, called last week with a great idea…let’s watch Transformers tonight. What an excellent use of our non-existent spare time. He painted a wall bright white in the garage and hooked a projector to an old Bose surround system, set up two patio chairs, placed the kegerator within reaching distance, fashioned a makeshift urinal (to avoid missing a single moment), and the garage version of the redneck home theatre was born! I finished dinner and bath time then dashed out the door and down the street. His garage is heated and the projected image was as close to a real theatre screen as possible. The old Bose system, which didn’t work before, cranked to life with a simple dismantling and “hotwiring” to bypass the control board. It sounded AWESOME in the garage, but once the player was in play mode, there was no pausing or going back! The projector, one used for slide shows and PowerPoint presentations, worked wonders on the freshly painted wall. The patio furniture complete with ottomans provided first class seating. We used a ladder for the projector stand, a Home Depot bucket for a urinal…it was a site to behold! Whoever said moving to Arkansas would turn me into a hillbilly, bite your tongue…this is innovation in the face of necessity, sometimes one just needs to see Transformers on the big screen in full surround sound the way it was intended!