With the constant prodding of Lindsay Wagner and her sumptuous TV commercial touting the dreamy nights possible with the magical Sleep Number bed, Cindy and I bought one just a shade over thirty days ago. While in the store, we thought we had died and gone to heaven. It was cozy and perfect. To our dreamy, star-gazed eyes it was coated in chocolate and saturated with pheromones. The sales pitch was excellent, nice and smooth…not too pushy, not too soft. We could have been swept off to La La Land at any moment and fell hook, line, and sinker. The ambiance was pleading for me to stay and enjoy a comfy air-filled power nap. After walking out with two Select Comfort pillows, an order for the Sleep Number 5000, and a magically “cooling” mattress pad, we were so stoked we could hardly stand it. Never again would our backs ache and good-bye dimply soft mattress, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Fast forward a month: goodbye new bed. The dream was over. We had awakened to the cruel reality of life on the outside of the eyelid theatre. My Sleep Number never gave me the full satisfaction the price tag deserved. Looking back, I think we were both too sore and tired to make an intelligent decision. Lindsay took advantage of our sore backs and sleep deprived vulnerability. I gave it a fair opportunity to woo me, make me dream about hitting the sack, hop into bed with the giddy anticipation of a teenager on a first date. But alas, it was just OK. I could never really see it as more than a friend. For the money I think I should LOVE it and be unable to live without it. It is now perpetually stuck in the “friend” zone. Good try Lindsay. Although I will always love the original Bionic Woman, her buddy the Sleep Number is now just another face from the past. This week it went back to its boxy cocoon to await the next star-crossed lover seeking chocolate covered pheromones. Cindy said she was not sad to see it go; however, she did really like her setting and I think she just didn’t want to make me feel bad. I don’t. I justify it by not having to secure a second mortgage to pay for it and can sleep just as soundly on my new memory foam mattress from Sam’s for a fraction of the cost, which I might add, came with a cool plastic box…can you say that Sleep Number? I think not.