...or are you just happy to see me?

Limos and Paparazzi

Although I use this expression quite often, thanks to the creative genius of my dear friend Tim Boom-D-A McG, it sums up the life of a road warrior quite well, n’est pas? So in addition to this phrase, I offer the following dark truths to life on the road.

We all know life on the road is not all about limos and paparazzi…it’s about cheap hotels and mid-size rentals, value meals, Diet Dr. Pepper from Circle K, and searching for the best local radio station. What you may not know, is the dark side and the unwritten rules of the inner circle of road warriors. Although it is against the code for me to divulge these secrets, I will sacrifice my position in the secret society and explain. There are certain things one must keep to oneself, after all, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”, and the same is true of Baltimore, Phoenix, Buffalo, Omaha, pick a city. By reading forward you are now responsible for this heavy burden of the following three dark secrets of travel:

1. While on a plane, sitting within 6 inches of the person wedged between you, you still feel compelled to let out the “tester”. If it is safe, you release the hounds…if not, you stop and keep typing as if the cabin is full of the fragrant aroma of fresh cut roses.

2. One trip out of 50 it is a scientifically proven you will become “that guy”. The one that boards the plane completely sloshed and gets stuck in the middle, having to pee at the sound of the first “ding” and who reeks of malted hops and/or cigarette smoke. No one plans to be “that guy”, it just happens mysteriously when the right conditions present themselves (i.e. stress, bad week, wrecked rental car, etc.) NOTE: flight attendants HATE that guy…to remain under the radar remember the following: posture, demeanor, and for God’s sake chew some gum.

3. IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Never, ever, under any circumstance…purchase a vehicle from a used Rental Car fleet. Road warriors make it a sport to beat the living hell out of the poor Taurus’ and Malibu’s of the world. It is common practice to stockpile the rear floorboards with untold amounts of trash as a sport to see who can achieve the highest tower of Sonic cups. BUYER BEWARE: All potholes, speed bumps, curbs, medians, mud holes, icy parking lots, tiny parking spaces, speed limits, off road capabilities, and steep road dips become glaring targets of the common man’s journey in a rented sedan as if they have transcended adulthood and reverted back to their deviant inner child.

So you have now been duly initiated into a secret brotherhood of road warriors. 2B1ASK1. Be mindful of your fellow brethren and respect the code. If we should ever meet at the airport bar, I shall buy you a drink and teach you the handshake. Bon Voyage.

A Made-For-TV Moment

One morning when Cindy and I were carpooling together we ran through Mickey D's for McMuffins. As the line progressed we reached the first window, paid for our fine dining experience, and began waiting again. As the cars began to move, we noticed the guy sitting in the little pickup directly in front of us did not. We waited, and waited, the head of an employee bobbed out of window number two as if to signal "what is the holdup people?". Then we noticed the guy in the little pickup was sound asleep. Head back on the headrest, snoozing, and I mean out cold...mouth wide open and settled into the eyelid theatre. It seemed like forever, when it was probably less than a minute, but we could do nothing but watch in this sort of bewildered state. We looked at each other and at the same time both busted out laughing so hard we were crying. I have no doubt the poor guy could hear us and when he finally jumped awake and moved forward, he turned around, looked at us with wide eyes, gave us an embarrassed smile and promptly sped away...we laughed for hours. To this day one of us will quip, "remember that one time at McDonald's...". No need to continue, we bust out all over again!

Bowflex: Multi-Purpose Machine

We spent the weekend at the lake with the kids and some friends. I was typing away about the good times we had and funny memories that were made until I rambled into a subject that has created tumultuous conversations and long standing jokes at our hood. I had to delete...and start over. You see, it was April 2001. Cindy and I had just celebrated our one year anniversary moving into the house we had built on the tornado lot in OKC. For the past two years, I had been carting around a VHS (yeah I know, but it was still early in the OO's) promotional tape I ordered late one night from the Bowflex infomercial. I was sold from the first pitch. It took the next two years to find a way to pay for it. Finally, on that crisp spring day in April I made the call and sent it on its way. All for the bargain price of $799 plus shipping and handling.

Fast forward six years, thirty pounds, two kids, a minivan, five houses, and two dogs later. It is truly the multi-purpose machine I purchased way back in 2001. Don't believe me? Check the top ten list and see for yourself:

1. Fold down bench makes for excellent ironing board and impromptu closet shelf.
2. Flex rods make for excellent impromptu closet rods.
3. Upright bench and legs make for excellent drying rack for water toys, floaties, and life jackets.
4. Off season storage of water hoses and fertilizer bags.
5. Perfect for hanging the gi-normous Sam's Club freezer bag year round.
6. Raised platform prevents moisture from infiltrating stacked boxes and totes.
7. Velcro leg wraps become perfect make-shift garage holders.
8. Handle attachments may be used for a variety of odd chores when in a pinch.
9. Always valuable as a marketing tool for drawing people into a Garage Sale.
10. Holds "NOT FOR SALE" signs in the perfect eye-level location.

Of course I have never used this fine machine for anything other than its intended purpose (I almost made it without laughing). I simply wanted to share with you the plethora of uses this amazing contraption is capable of providing. It is truly the Swiss Army Knife of fitness equipment. More versatile than a Leatherman, more flexible than a universal remote. I recommend you pick one up if you have the means. After a weekend of hoisting my ass back onto a Sea Doo, I will fall in love all over again. Long live the Bowflex, provider of so much, recognized for so little!