Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Limos and Paparazzi

Although I use this expression quite often, thanks to the creative genius of my dear friend Tim Boom-D-A McG, it sums up the life of a road warrior quite well, n’est pas? So in addition to this phrase, I offer the following dark truths to life on the road.

We all know life on the road is not all about limos and paparazzi…it’s about cheap hotels and mid-size rentals, value meals, Diet Dr. Pepper from Circle K, and searching for the best local radio station. What you may not know, is the dark side and the unwritten rules of the inner circle of road warriors. Although it is against the code for me to divulge these secrets, I will sacrifice my position in the secret society and explain. There are certain things one must keep to oneself, after all, “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”, and the same is true of Baltimore, Phoenix, Buffalo, Omaha, pick a city. By reading forward you are now responsible for this heavy burden of the following three dark secrets of travel:

1. While on a plane, sitting within 6 inches of the person wedged between you, you still feel compelled to let out the “tester”. If it is safe, you release the hounds…if not, you stop and keep typing as if the cabin is full of the fragrant aroma of fresh cut roses.

2. One trip out of 50 it is a scientifically proven you will become “that guy”. The one that boards the plane completely sloshed and gets stuck in the middle, having to pee at the sound of the first “ding” and who reeks of malted hops and/or cigarette smoke. No one plans to be “that guy”, it just happens mysteriously when the right conditions present themselves (i.e. stress, bad week, wrecked rental car, etc.) NOTE: flight attendants HATE that guy…to remain under the radar remember the following: posture, demeanor, and for God’s sake chew some gum.

3. IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Never, ever, under any circumstance…purchase a vehicle from a used Rental Car fleet. Road warriors make it a sport to beat the living hell out of the poor Taurus’ and Malibu’s of the world. It is common practice to stockpile the rear floorboards with untold amounts of trash as a sport to see who can achieve the highest tower of Sonic cups. BUYER BEWARE: All potholes, speed bumps, curbs, medians, mud holes, icy parking lots, tiny parking spaces, speed limits, off road capabilities, and steep road dips become glaring targets of the common man’s journey in a rented sedan as if they have transcended adulthood and reverted back to their deviant inner child.

So you have now been duly initiated into a secret brotherhood of road warriors. 2B1ASK1. Be mindful of your fellow brethren and respect the code. If we should ever meet at the airport bar, I shall buy you a drink and teach you the handshake. Bon Voyage.

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