The time is 1:17am on a Friday night. Scratch that, it would actually be Saturday morning. I cannot sleep. Ev is tucked away in her bed, exhausted from a full day of school and play. Fin is wedged in our bed like a heat-seeking missile curled up beside the fire of life as if the bitter cold of his own world pushed him to seek solace and comfort within the ceremonious womb of my (correction: OUR) space.
I have been watching them, Cindy and Fin, for about 30 min or what seems like a lifetime. Each breath cavorting into some fanciful snort of jubilant slumber. They are at peace. No worries, no deadlines, no drama. Serenity and peace.
Even as Fin jabs a nubby finger in his nose reaching for new heights while REMing and as Cindy responds to my goodnight kiss and subsequent night time chat while completely incoherent, I cannot still believe I am here. At this stage of my life. I am an adult. How did this happen? When did this happen? These are the pieces of my life.
As Fin stuffed an index finger up his nose, I chuckle and tell Cindy he must have inherited it from her...she gives me the lip curl and the obligatory mmm hmmm. He moves from the nasal cavity to the waist band of his tiny PJ bottoms digging deep for his regularly scheduled adjustment "ritual" (well boys find their tool eventually), gives it a good dig for aeration and settles back into a delicate caress of the pillow to fall deeper into sleep. Well I guess I know from where he inherited such a move. I laugh. At the same time I am still awestruck. They are mine. Little pieces of me. Little pieces of GF. Little pieces of us.
If you let your mind wander long enough, the thought of parenthood will become overwhelming...it is such a huge responsibility. There are no safety nets...you just wing it and hope for the best. No amount of preparation can make it perfect. The actor always flubs a line now and then. But reality tells your little pea brain to avoid over analyzing the situation. No need to stress. Instinct will guide your parental actions. I can only hope reality is right. In the mean time, I keep on keepin on...and relish in the moments when I can sit and watch, in silence, my life sleep beside me. At peace. Perfect.