I know it was a boring post, but to me it was a journal entry reaching into what has been my life with fogged over glasses. I like to think I am the only one who reads my posts; therefore, I tend to spill just slightly more than is palatable. Well, just in case I am the only who reads, I offer this postlude to myself.
I finally did it. The fog, as thick as it gets, was beginning to become unbearable. I got myself into the doctor to find solace. After a barrage of tests, and clinicians telling me I had to find peace with my "condition", I finally sought the advice of a trained professional. His evaluation, based on the scores of tests and questions from my childhood and adolescence, allowed me to see the light and finally understand why. It was clear to my doc that I was a classic case of ADD sans the hyperactivity (hmm maybe that's why I'm not skinny and pretty...). Against my stubborn personality and my decades of denial, I decided to try his prescribed crutch, medication.
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears...for a new day has begun. It took six weeks of sifting through select serotonin reuptake inhibitors to discover my problem was not the over-diagnosed, dare I say, depression. I found that I am a member of a growing number of adults living unknowingly with the gift that is Attention Deficit Disorder (unknowingly because most adults were never diagnosed as children). I say gift because it is just that. Disorder is a fallacy. I finally know for medical certainty that I belong to a group of people propelled by creative, intelligent, insightful thought processes. We just simply cannot control those machines humming and spinning ferociously in the brain. What began in childhood, never went away and has been gnawing on me for decades. I will spare you the genetics and physiology of the brain (for it is not completely yet understood) and offer you this: ADD is no longer a curse, but a blessing in disguise. Sure, it makes life as a "normal" person slightly more difficult to maintain, but the benefits I have found are far more inspirational.
I am still the daydreamer who cannot keep appointments, accumulates endless piles of paperwork, strays from the average conversation, and forgets to pay the light bill; but, am now the one attempting to harness my inherent gift for a lifetime of everyday happiness. With the help of my better half, we will form a new way of life around the mold shaped by the fog. Oh I said it...happiness. You are thinking to yourself right now...damn is he drunk? Nope. My mental clarity is beginning to shine. Think of it this way, the brain runs nonstop 24/7 for everyone and the same is true for "us". But "we" have a brain that runs on jet propulsion, constantly moving, dodging, crafting, conspiring, spinning, creating, working at light speed. The medication gives the little hamster on the wheel in my head something to chew on, whilst I go about the process of reclaiming my life.
Although it is only a small part of the reclamation process, the medication offers me the ability to strategize and ultimately focus. Focus is the key. For the first time since I was a young child, do I finally realize my full potential as a productive human. If only they could do something medically about the procrastination...but I can live with forcing myself to start a task rather than trying to blindly run the gambit from start to finish with little conscience effort.
I thought long and hard about actually putting this post on electronic paper, and I neglected to share with Cindy that I was going to go public. But in the end, my decision was not one based on overcoming a stigma, but rather recapturing and taming what is rightfully mine to hold. I could care less what any one else thinks at this point (note: impulsivity is an ADD benchmark, which I am sure does not affect me!). I am free to surf the inner workings of my mind now that I have found the means to focus on them. I will publicly state however that, although I make no promises, I will try to work on my piles at home G!
I will spare you the medical mumbo-jumbo and the psychopharmacology, but offer this: look out world...for I have seen the sky through the fog for the first time in many a moon, and it is bright, airy, and waiting for me to seize it again (or for the first time)! Here's wishing you a lifetime of unconstrained productivity!